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Here comes the panic, here comes the cure

Don't Panic - Marvin android robot from Hitchhiker Guide to the GalaxyRecently I’ve found one funny aspect of myself: I am not okay when everything is okay.


Once in a while, few years ago, I had a very long period of depression for maybe 3-5 years. It was not that medical depression with anti-depressant drugs to eat all the day as in some movies, of course. Just a “writer’s block” applied to a programmer (programmer is a writer in some meanings). Then, once in a while, I decided to stop being miserable, made a plan, and started to implement it, step by step.

That is how I’ve relocated  from provincial Krasnoyarsk to the rich and perspective Moscow. It was not easy for such a hick to move to the capital and almost the only prosperous city in the country. Rent, job, friends, funds – everything was a problem. And I’ve solved them all, one by one.

After 3½ years in Moscow I was as prosperous as the city was. Well, maybe I wasn’t rich businessman or whatsoever — it is just not my field. But as a hired webdev professional I was fine: I could find good job in 2-3 interviews only, I could earn 1.5-2 times more money than average developer earns, I could make a career from ordinary developer to head of department in 1 year (that is surprisingly fast indeed), so on.

The Malady

At that point I decided life has became too easy, and thus too boring. So instead of eventually growing further, I intentionally invented new big problem for myself. I decided to relocate to another country. What a challenge!

So, after some researches and bureaucratic preparations, I moved. With a tourist visitor visa in my hands, with no work permit or arranged employment, with no exact vision on foreign job markets and probabilities to gain work there. Just moved.


And here I am in Toronto for 1½ month already out of 6 months allowed, wasting my time by relaxation and adaptation. That was part of the plan though: 1st-2nd months (March-April) are for adaptation, 2nd-5th (April-July) for job search, 6th (August) – for preparations of my next affair, probably a trip to California or so.

But now I sit here at home and think. What  in the world moves me? How in the hell will I handle all these tasks? Why can I not just sit there in Moscow, happily and comfortably?

Panic and desperation have entered my mind yesterday. Job market seems to be too complicated, too competitive and too xenophobic. Bureaucracy routines seems to be full of insurmountable barriers. Without work permit I have no chances to find a job, and without a job I have no chances to get a work permit.

The Remedy?

Luckily, panic is only something subconscious. The consciousness says: that was not the main goal, boy, you are here to have fun first, to explore – second, and to settle – third. I wonder why this does not help, why panic does not go away?

May it be so that panic is what I look for? Some kind of feeling I still can feel with my cynical and callous heart? Or maybe it is just a means of moving on?

Anyway, everything is not okay now. And thus I am okay.

Originally published at Sergey Nolar Vasilyev. You can comment here or there.


You are adrenaline junkie, lol!

Well, I have such aspect too. But I know why do I have it. Maybe your aspect have some logical or medical explanation too?

PS: Sorry, if my English isn't well. I'm trying to practice. ^_^
Medical? Don't know. Maybe I am brain-damaged :-)

Medical, yeah!

Well... My blood vessels in my neck are compressed by skull bones. That leads to periodic oxygen shortages in my brain. Thus, I always "passing out" each time from 3 to 4 o'clock every day. Sometimes it happens even when I'm going upstairs in office, for example. I see many funny faces of my collegues this time. :D

But this isn't sickness or something, even with these consequences. That "aspect" is nothing more than some kind of in-born "feature". And only thing that I could do is physical exersizes or something like that. With restrictions of my low vision, of course.

Re: Medical, yeah!

Oh, mine is not like that, nothing physical at least (I think). Just a mental something. Em... Maybe I am mental by myself :-)

Re: Medical, yeah!

Oh, my bad! I'm sorry I forgot to tell the most importatant thing. That physical aspect leads to psychasthenia with all sympthoms such as depression, migraine, dizziness and mind disorder with disorientation sometimes.

I thought this would be the logical conclusion of what I've said before...

PS: Point me to my mistakes in English, if you find any, please.

Re: Medical, yeah!

I've got that. But still not, I dont think the reason is physiological for me.

PS: I would like someone to point to my mistakes first :)

Re: Medical, yeah!

Well, I've made suggestion. :)
The only thing last now is simply wish you luck to solve your aspects.

Re: Medical, yeah!

PPS: The only way to know exactly is to do the Ultrasound expertise of your neck. But... I think you know better what you should do. :3
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